Unhappiness in a relationship
can break more than just the heart; it can also affect physical health.
Constant and intense arguments can disrupt sleep and lead to problems such as
heart and muscle pain, while a tense home environment can be harmful to the
physical and mental health of the entire family, including children. Research has also found
that happy and supportive relationships may be associated with better health
and longer life, while poor-quality close relationships can pose a health risk
comparable to factors such as smoking or physical inactivity. This raises the
question: if a relationship is continuously heading in a negative direction,
can it be repaired? Growing evidence suggests that improvement is possible if
both partners are genuinely willing to work on the relationship.
If the first major argument
in a new relationship is over something seemingly minor, such as not washing
the dishes, the same issue may continue to surface in the future. Research
suggests that couples often argue about the same underlying issues throughout
their relationship. Experts describe these as recurring problems over which
partners have persistent disagreements. According to psychologist Carrie Cole
of the Gottman Institute, such disagreements may involve finances, parenting,
intimacy and the division of power within the relationship. Conflicts can also
arise over seemingly minor matters, such as cleaning and keeping the home
organized.
A long-term study conducted
by psychologist John Gottman and his team examined disagreements between
couples and then followed up with them four years later. The study found that
in about 69% of cases, couples were still arguing about issues of the same
nature four years later as they had been during the initial stage of the study.
Other research has reported similar findings. Financial issues have
consistently been a source of conflict across different families and cultures.
Disagreements over money, in particular, can lead to more intense and prolonged
arguments. An unequal division of household chores can also create tension
between spouses and has been linked in some studies to an increased risk of
divorce.
However, experts say that
disagreement itself is not necessarily a sign of a troubled relationship. Even
happy couples argue. The key difference lies in how partners treat each other
during and after disagreements. According to Carrie Cole, research has
identified four behaviors that may signal a risk of relationship breakdown:
criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. These include blaming a
partner for every problem, treating them as inferior or speaking to them
contemptuously, constantly defending oneself against criticism, and completely
shutting down or refusing to communicate during a conflict.
Cole says these behaviors can
seriously damage a relationship, but they can be changed if both partners are
willing to improve it. Research has also found that persistent criticism from a
spouse may be associated with negative health effects. Similarly, aggressive
behavior and constant hostile arguments are described by experts as destructive
conflict, which can increase the risk of relationship breakdown over time. By
contrast, disagreements in which both partners show respect, curiosity and
kindness and focus on finding a solution together can strengthen a
relationship.
According to experts, an
important element of any relationship is the feeling that your partner listens
to you, supports you and tries to understand your emotions. Feeling that your
spouse is responsive and supportive is associated with marital satisfaction
and, according to some studies, may also be linked to lower inflammation in the
body, better physical health and longer life. Kindness, cooperation and shared
decision-making can also create a positive long-term environment within a
relationship. A 20-year study of married couples found that shared
decision-making and a relatively equal division of household chores were
associated with greater marital happiness and fewer conflicts. Even the way
couples argue can affect sleep. Research suggests that destructive conflict is
associated with poorer sleep, while constructive disagreement is associated
with better sleep.
Can a Failing Relationship Be Saved?
When a couple is constantly
caught in bitter and hostile patterns, suddenly treating each other with
empathy and kindness can seem almost impossible. However, research suggests
that improvement is still possible, particularly with marital counseling and
professional support. Studies suggest that couples counseling can have a
positive effect on around 70% of couples. It can help address relationship
problems, increase marital satisfaction, reduce severe relationship distress
and strengthen emotional closeness. In some cases, its effects may also extend
to an individual’s mental and physical health.
According to Northwestern
University psychologist and couples therapist Jay Lebow, by the time couples
seek counseling, their sense of empathy for each other has often declined
considerably. He says one of the central challenges in counseling is helping
couples develop empathy for each other again. In his view, an important sign of
improvement is when both partners become able to talk to each other and listen
to each other again. This may sound simple, but in a highly strained
relationship, even listening patiently to a partner can become difficult. Lebow
says another important change occurs when a person stops asking, “What is wrong
with my partner?” and begins asking, “What is happening between us?”
According to Carrie Cole, two
signs during couples counseling can be particularly encouraging in determining
whether a relationship can be repaired. The first is when one partner says to
the other, “I can understand why you feel that way.” This means the person is
trying to accept their partner’s perspective as understandable, even if they do
not agree with it.
The second sign is curiosity.
For example, even during a disagreement, if one partner asks, “Tell me more
about how you came to that conclusion,” it may indicate that they are still
interested in understanding the other person. According to Lebow, if both
partners are willing to work on their problems, research provides strong
evidence that outcomes can improve.
To resolve a recurring
conflict, it is not enough to look only at what the couple is arguing about. It
is also important to understand the desires, fears and life goals behind the
issue for each person. Carrie Cole gave the example of a couple who constantly
argued about money. Both had grown up in poverty, but poverty had affected them
in different ways. For the wife, financial security and independence were
important, so she emphasized saving money and careful budgeting. The husband
wanted to spend some of his hard-earned income on things that allowed him to
enjoy life and feel connected with others socially. As a result, they
repeatedly argued about spending and saving.
During counseling, the couple
came to understand each other’s difficult childhood experiences, the effects of
poverty and the life priorities that had developed from those experiences. They
then found a middle ground and agreed on how much of their income would be
saved and how much would be available for spending. According to Cole, they
solved the problem, but first they had to understand why the issue was so
important to each of them.
Both Partners Must Be Willing to Save the
Relationship
According to Jay Lebow, a
couple’s own willingness to participate is extremely important for success in
marital counseling. He says even the world’s best therapist cannot do much for
a couple that is not willing to improve the relationship, while a couple
committed to solving its problems can make significant progress even with
limited resources. In other words, improving a relationship is not solely the
responsibility of a psychologist or therapist; it requires a joint effort from
both partners.
What If Separation Is the Final Decision?
Experts say that even if a
couple ultimately decides to separate or divorce, marital counseling can still
be beneficial. It can help them cope with the separation, reduce its impact on
their mental health and minimize hostility toward each other. If children are
involved, a relatively better relationship between the parents can also be important
for the children’s mental health. Divorce or the end of a relationship can
certainly be a painful experience, but according to Jay Lebow, it can also
become a period in which people learn important things about themselves and
gain insights that may help them throughout the rest of their lives. This
learning process is not limited to couples facing a crisis. Experts say that even people in healthy
relationships can strengthen their bonds by working on their ability to listen
to and understand each other and by creating space for each other’s
perspectives.