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Unhappiness in a relationship can break more than just the heart; it can also affect physical health. Constant and intense arguments can disrupt sleep and lead to problems such as heart and muscle pain,
Unhappiness in a relationship can break more than just the heart; it can also affect physical health. Constant and intense arguments can disrupt sleep and lead to problems such as heart and muscle pain, while a tense home environment can be harmful to the physical and mental health of the entire family, including children. Research has also found that happy and supportive relationships may be associated with better health and longer life, while poor-quality close relationships can pose a health risk comparable to factors such as smoking or physical inactivity. This raises the question: if a relationship is continuously heading in a negative direction, can it be repaired? Growing evidence suggests that improvement is possible if both partners are genuinely willing to work on the relationship.
If the first major argument in a new relationship is over something seemingly minor, such as not washing the dishes, the same issue may continue to surface in the future. Research suggests that couples often argue about the same underlying issues throughout their relationship. Experts describe these as recurring problems over which partners have persistent disagreements. According to psychologist Carrie Cole of the Gottman Institute, such disagreements may involve finances, parenting, intimacy and the division of power within the relationship. Conflicts can also arise over seemingly minor matters, such as cleaning and keeping the home organized.
A long-term study conducted by psychologist John Gottman and his team examined disagreements between couples and then followed up with them four years later. The study found that in about 69% of cases, couples were still arguing about issues of the same nature four years later as they had been during the initial stage of the study. Other research has reported similar findings. Financial issues have consistently been a source of conflict across different families and cultures. Disagreements over money, in particular, can lead to more intense and prolonged arguments. An unequal division of household chores can also create tension between spouses and has been linked in some studies to an increased risk of divorce.
However, experts say that disagreement itself is not necessarily a sign of a troubled relationship. Even happy couples argue. The key difference lies in how partners treat each other during and after disagreements. According to Carrie Cole, research has identified four behaviors that may signal a risk of relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. These include blaming a partner for every problem, treating them as inferior or speaking to them contemptuously, constantly defending oneself against criticism, and completely shutting down or refusing to communicate during a conflict.
Cole says these behaviors can seriously damage a relationship, but they can be changed if both partners are willing to improve it. Research has also found that persistent criticism from a spouse may be associated with negative health effects. Similarly, aggressive behavior and constant hostile arguments are described by experts as destructive conflict, which can increase the risk of relationship breakdown over time. By contrast, disagreements in which both partners show respect, curiosity and kindness and focus on finding a solution together can strengthen a relationship.
According to experts, an important element of any relationship is the feeling that your partner listens to you, supports you and tries to understand your emotions. Feeling that your spouse is responsive and supportive is associated with marital satisfaction and, according to some studies, may also be linked to lower inflammation in the body, better physical health and longer life. Kindness, cooperation and shared decision-making can also create a positive long-term environment within a relationship. A 20-year study of married couples found that shared decision-making and a relatively equal division of household chores were associated with greater marital happiness and fewer conflicts. Even the way couples argue can affect sleep. Research suggests that destructive conflict is associated with poorer sleep, while constructive disagreement is associated with better sleep.
When a couple is constantly caught in bitter and hostile patterns, suddenly treating each other with empathy and kindness can seem almost impossible. However, research suggests that improvement is still possible, particularly with marital counseling and professional support. Studies suggest that couples counseling can have a positive effect on around 70% of couples. It can help address relationship problems, increase marital satisfaction, reduce severe relationship distress and strengthen emotional closeness. In some cases, its effects may also extend to an individual’s mental and physical health.
According to Northwestern University psychologist and couples therapist Jay Lebow, by the time couples seek counseling, their sense of empathy for each other has often declined considerably. He says one of the central challenges in counseling is helping couples develop empathy for each other again. In his view, an important sign of improvement is when both partners become able to talk to each other and listen to each other again. This may sound simple, but in a highly strained relationship, even listening patiently to a partner can become difficult. Lebow says another important change occurs when a person stops asking, “What is wrong with my partner?” and begins asking, “What is happening between us?”
According to Carrie Cole, two signs during couples counseling can be particularly encouraging in determining whether a relationship can be repaired. The first is when one partner says to the other, “I can understand why you feel that way.” This means the person is trying to accept their partner’s perspective as understandable, even if they do not agree with it.
The second sign is curiosity. For example, even during a disagreement, if one partner asks, “Tell me more about how you came to that conclusion,” it may indicate that they are still interested in understanding the other person. According to Lebow, if both partners are willing to work on their problems, research provides strong evidence that outcomes can improve.
To resolve a recurring conflict, it is not enough to look only at what the couple is arguing about. It is also important to understand the desires, fears and life goals behind the issue for each person. Carrie Cole gave the example of a couple who constantly argued about money. Both had grown up in poverty, but poverty had affected them in different ways. For the wife, financial security and independence were important, so she emphasized saving money and careful budgeting. The husband wanted to spend some of his hard-earned income on things that allowed him to enjoy life and feel connected with others socially. As a result, they repeatedly argued about spending and saving.
During counseling, the couple came to understand each other’s difficult childhood experiences, the effects of poverty and the life priorities that had developed from those experiences. They then found a middle ground and agreed on how much of their income would be saved and how much would be available for spending. According to Cole, they solved the problem, but first they had to understand why the issue was so important to each of them.
According to Jay Lebow, a couple’s own willingness to participate is extremely important for success in marital counseling. He says even the world’s best therapist cannot do much for a couple that is not willing to improve the relationship, while a couple committed to solving its problems can make significant progress even with limited resources. In other words, improving a relationship is not solely the responsibility of a psychologist or therapist; it requires a joint effort from both partners.
Experts say that even if a couple ultimately decides to separate or divorce, marital counseling can still be beneficial. It can help them cope with the separation, reduce its impact on their mental health and minimize hostility toward each other. If children are involved, a relatively better relationship between the parents can also be important for the children’s mental health. Divorce or the end of a relationship can certainly be a painful experience, but according to Jay Lebow, it can also become a period in which people learn important things about themselves and gain insights that may help them throughout the rest of their lives. This learning process is not limited to couples facing a crisis. Experts say that even people in healthy relationships can strengthen their bonds by working on their ability to listen to and understand each other and by creating space for each other’s perspectives.
